When you get older, you've never been married and have no children, and want all of those things time becomes more and more of a precious commodity.
The last few days I've been literally getting this sick feeling in my stomach becuase I've been worrying about time. I've been worrying that it's either going to run out before I find someone or that I'll find someone and feel cheated because the waiting is cutting into the little quality time we will have left together.
Time. You can't wait for more of it to pass while you're younger. Then there's never enough of it when your older. Make the most of every precious moment.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thesaurus Poem
This was at least written while I was a little older...
Thesaurus Poem:
I solicit no accolades.
Or perhaps I do,
Somewhere in the
Abyss of my soul.
The desire I beg for daily
is to be embodied
as an advantageous
member of some society.
Instead, I seem to experience
an everlasting series of
unproductive acquaintances.
Insignificant encounterings
with brief comrades
that somehow become foreign.
Then, repeatedly, I am desolate.
In the duration of these times
I abhor myself-
and my existence.
But, somewhere, sometime
There will be harmony for me.
So, I will continue to linger
Even if it's until the Father
Summons me home to Heaven.
Thesaurus Poem:
I solicit no accolades.
Or perhaps I do,
Somewhere in the
Abyss of my soul.
The desire I beg for daily
is to be embodied
as an advantageous
member of some society.
Instead, I seem to experience
an everlasting series of
unproductive acquaintances.
Insignificant encounterings
with brief comrades
that somehow become foreign.
Then, repeatedly, I am desolate.
In the duration of these times
I abhor myself-
and my existence.
But, somewhere, sometime
There will be harmony for me.
So, I will continue to linger
Even if it's until the Father
Summons me home to Heaven.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Those Silly Poems
Wanna hear one of those silly school-girl poems I mentioned? This is the only one that I can think of right off the top of head... It's one of the ones that I hated the least. I wrote it because a high school crush of mine asked me to write him a poem...
If you see a rose, you better grab it before it wilts.
If you hear a tune, you better dance before it ends.
Because the perfect rose comes but once to every gardener
And you can't dance to the tune with just any partner.
I know it's stupid... I'll have to look up my poem that I called my thesarus poem and put it out here sometime... I wrote the poem first, then used a thesarus and replaced every word that I could...
If you see a rose, you better grab it before it wilts.
If you hear a tune, you better dance before it ends.
Because the perfect rose comes but once to every gardener
And you can't dance to the tune with just any partner.
I know it's stupid... I'll have to look up my poem that I called my thesarus poem and put it out here sometime... I wrote the poem first, then used a thesarus and replaced every word that I could...
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Guitar Man
Let me tell you about the one that needed his own post... I'll call him "Guitar Man".
I was going to an outdoor concert with my brother in his home town about an hour away from me. I get to the apartment that he shares with his older girlfriend and find that her son, who is a few months older than my brother, is there and going with us. While brother and his friend were getting ready, Guitar Man picks up a guitar and sits out on the balcony to play...
That was all that it took. I was interested.
We had a great time at the concert. He and I stayed up all night talking. Brother and his friend went to bed and woke back up before we even thought about bed. Guitar man goes on to bed and i stay up until brother and his friend go off to work. As I'm walking down the hallway to the back room to go to bed myself, Guitar Man's alarm clock is going off, but he isn't budging. I walk in, shake him and ask if he needed to get up for work or something. He simply says, "No, I was setting it for when they left for work." He jumps up and starts kissing me as we walk down the hall to the room where I was staying, etc... It was a magical morning.
After that, my overprotective brother made us both nervous and we decided to be friends only. The problem was that I wanted more. For months, though, I went along. I went to watch his band play two or three times a week. I even hung out with him and a new girl he started dating... It was the three of us. I know this sounds weird, but when she started acting all jealous about it he told her that she would be gone from his life long before I would be. He told her that she could deal with it or leave. WOW.
She dealt, but not much longer. It was just the two of us again after a while, but we were still doing the friend thing. I decided to take action. I started dressing a little hotter, flirting with guys in front of him, etc... He paid much more attention to me and then, after a few weeks, we admitted that we both wanted more. He dedicated a song to me from the stage... "Anymore" by Travis Tritt. The gist of the song is that he can't keep pretending that he doesn't love me anymore..... BECAUSE HE DOES LOVE ME!!
I was on a cloud. We still hid the relationship from my brother... Soon, I started to realize that our relationship consisted of bars, him drinking, me nursing him and keeping him out of trouble, and very hot sex. That was mostly it. There were enough of the really special times to keep me hanging on for a while, but I couldn't do it forever.
The breakup was ugly. As much as I want to be honest here, I don't feel like I can tell about the straw that broke the camel's back in detail. Suffice it to say that Guitar Man had a secret. One that I, more than anyone else, deserved to know. Two people told me the secret. One of them was an ex-girlfriend of his. The other was my brother. Brother still didn't know at the time that we were dating, so he didn't realize what a can of worms he was opening my telling me. Guitar man got mad at brother, brother got mad at me, Guitar Man's mom got mad at brother, etc...
We forever now have a strange dynamic. I don't talk about Guitar Man with my brother or his girlfriend (Still Guitar Man's mom). They don't talk about him with me much at all. I don't see him when I'm down there, etc... All of this and it's been about 15 years since we broke up.
The break up really messed me up. I had all of these stresses on me, all at once... the destruction of the best thing I'd ever had (not saying much), a sick dear grandmother, flunking out of school, etc... I sank into a deep depression for a while. I was "over" him pretty much in a few weeks, but I would still have a periodic cry every now and again, even up until about 5 years ago.
There are no more tears for him now. He wasn't good for me. While it may be better than being completely alone, I am still very happy that I am not living in the life that he would have given me. The quick stories that I hear every once in a while reassure me that leaving him was the best thing I could have ever done. I will always be thankful to him, though, for teaching me what love felt like, if only briefly.
I was going to an outdoor concert with my brother in his home town about an hour away from me. I get to the apartment that he shares with his older girlfriend and find that her son, who is a few months older than my brother, is there and going with us. While brother and his friend were getting ready, Guitar Man picks up a guitar and sits out on the balcony to play...
That was all that it took. I was interested.
We had a great time at the concert. He and I stayed up all night talking. Brother and his friend went to bed and woke back up before we even thought about bed. Guitar man goes on to bed and i stay up until brother and his friend go off to work. As I'm walking down the hallway to the back room to go to bed myself, Guitar Man's alarm clock is going off, but he isn't budging. I walk in, shake him and ask if he needed to get up for work or something. He simply says, "No, I was setting it for when they left for work." He jumps up and starts kissing me as we walk down the hall to the room where I was staying, etc... It was a magical morning.
After that, my overprotective brother made us both nervous and we decided to be friends only. The problem was that I wanted more. For months, though, I went along. I went to watch his band play two or three times a week. I even hung out with him and a new girl he started dating... It was the three of us. I know this sounds weird, but when she started acting all jealous about it he told her that she would be gone from his life long before I would be. He told her that she could deal with it or leave. WOW.
She dealt, but not much longer. It was just the two of us again after a while, but we were still doing the friend thing. I decided to take action. I started dressing a little hotter, flirting with guys in front of him, etc... He paid much more attention to me and then, after a few weeks, we admitted that we both wanted more. He dedicated a song to me from the stage... "Anymore" by Travis Tritt. The gist of the song is that he can't keep pretending that he doesn't love me anymore..... BECAUSE HE DOES LOVE ME!!
I was on a cloud. We still hid the relationship from my brother... Soon, I started to realize that our relationship consisted of bars, him drinking, me nursing him and keeping him out of trouble, and very hot sex. That was mostly it. There were enough of the really special times to keep me hanging on for a while, but I couldn't do it forever.
The breakup was ugly. As much as I want to be honest here, I don't feel like I can tell about the straw that broke the camel's back in detail. Suffice it to say that Guitar Man had a secret. One that I, more than anyone else, deserved to know. Two people told me the secret. One of them was an ex-girlfriend of his. The other was my brother. Brother still didn't know at the time that we were dating, so he didn't realize what a can of worms he was opening my telling me. Guitar man got mad at brother, brother got mad at me, Guitar Man's mom got mad at brother, etc...
We forever now have a strange dynamic. I don't talk about Guitar Man with my brother or his girlfriend (Still Guitar Man's mom). They don't talk about him with me much at all. I don't see him when I'm down there, etc... All of this and it's been about 15 years since we broke up.
The break up really messed me up. I had all of these stresses on me, all at once... the destruction of the best thing I'd ever had (not saying much), a sick dear grandmother, flunking out of school, etc... I sank into a deep depression for a while. I was "over" him pretty much in a few weeks, but I would still have a periodic cry every now and again, even up until about 5 years ago.
There are no more tears for him now. He wasn't good for me. While it may be better than being completely alone, I am still very happy that I am not living in the life that he would have given me. The quick stories that I hear every once in a while reassure me that leaving him was the best thing I could have ever done. I will always be thankful to him, though, for teaching me what love felt like, if only briefly.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Welcome All... The Beginning
Ok... so when I was a teenager I would pour out my emotions into silly schoolgirl poems. Some I didn't think were so bad... some were pitiful. It made me feel better, though... I'm a lot older now... same basic problems with a little more desperation. I don't feel like those poems could handle all that I have to say now... So, I thought maybe a blog. Maybe someone else has these feelings?
So, I'm not going to be a whiner all the time, but the emotions that prompted this blog do require a little whining.
Some background info:
I am 37, single and childless. I have had two semi-serious relationships in my life, but they were both very short. The last one was 13 years ago.
In high school, I never really dated anyone. My junior prom date was gay and my senior prom date had graduated the previous year and just wanted an excuse to come back and hang out with his friends.
When I started junior college I got a fresh start with people who didn't really know me. Things went a little better. I lost my virginity 12 days before my 19th birthday with someone who did not stay in my life (i.e. one night stand). My second soon followed. While we didn't continue to date, we did remain very good acquaintances. That sounds so much better, right?
There was one, though... For the purpose of this blog, I'll call him Scuba (long story). He was the older hometown guy that I couldn't seal the deal with... The one that I liked most of all. We hung out. We flirted a lot. I was secretly madly in love with him. One of our mutual friends told me that he really liked me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Me, being so young and romantic thought maybe he was preparing himself for me leaving to go to the University and I loved him even more for it. I didn't want to admit that it was guy-speak for "move on".
I moved away from home to my four year college and the fun really started. I slept with more guys than I care to mention. Oh, I had a blast, though. Keggers and sex. It really wasn't all about the fun and the sex, though. I was seriously looking for love. I figured if I couldn't find it the right way, I'd find it the wrong way. I didn't (let that be a lesson to you young girls reading this).
Our mutual friend told me that Scuba got married and I was devastated. It turned out the girl was just using him in some horrible way. He was divorced three weeks later. After his divorce was final, he came down to visit our friends, called me and the deal was sealed during his visit. The visit was over and so were we. The long distance thing was going to be too hard, we decided.
Serious guy number 2 was also a long distance relationship. He was so incredibly bad for me, but I couldn't see it. His story will require a blog entry of it's very own... He and I discussed running off and getting married one weekend, but it didn't come to pass. At the time I would have given up everything for him, but he couldn't give up alcohol and other women for me.
While my friends were getting serious about their lives, finishing up school, getting more career minded, etc., I was still living in the moment. I was having fun, looking for love, and flunking out of school. So, I dropped out and went to work waiting tables, still having a great time.
A time came when, because of financial reasons, I moved north. It was a little closer to home. I hadn't been here a month yet and I get a call from Scuba. He comes up to see me and our whirlwind romance began. He pampered me, entertained me, made love to me, wrote me love letters, gave me gifts, etc. It all started slacking off when his work got busy back in our hometown and we didn't get to see each other as much. So, there again, our distance killed us. He would never leave there because he loved it and I could never go back because I hated it. That can sure ruin a romance.
So, he was the last guy I slept with (Oct 13, 1995) and the last man I kissed (Oct 14, 1995).
I went from sex-loving nympho to celibate old maid in the blink of an eye... It wasn't about the sex, though. After my wild times, I had my two relationships. Don't get me wrong, I loved the sex, but only because I loved the guys. I didn't want to just sleep around anymore. So, I kept waiting for Mr. RIght.
Life gets busy. We fall into a routine. I'm living in a po-dunk excuse for a mid-sized city and don't ever go out anywhere to meet people. All my friends are married or close to it and have children. Many years have passed, weight has been put on, the biological clock is ticking louder and louder and I am alone.
I miss the sex... don't doubt it... but most of all, I miss the kisses.
So, I'm not going to be a whiner all the time, but the emotions that prompted this blog do require a little whining.
Some background info:
I am 37, single and childless. I have had two semi-serious relationships in my life, but they were both very short. The last one was 13 years ago.
In high school, I never really dated anyone. My junior prom date was gay and my senior prom date had graduated the previous year and just wanted an excuse to come back and hang out with his friends.
When I started junior college I got a fresh start with people who didn't really know me. Things went a little better. I lost my virginity 12 days before my 19th birthday with someone who did not stay in my life (i.e. one night stand). My second soon followed. While we didn't continue to date, we did remain very good acquaintances. That sounds so much better, right?
There was one, though... For the purpose of this blog, I'll call him Scuba (long story). He was the older hometown guy that I couldn't seal the deal with... The one that I liked most of all. We hung out. We flirted a lot. I was secretly madly in love with him. One of our mutual friends told me that he really liked me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Me, being so young and romantic thought maybe he was preparing himself for me leaving to go to the University and I loved him even more for it. I didn't want to admit that it was guy-speak for "move on".
I moved away from home to my four year college and the fun really started. I slept with more guys than I care to mention. Oh, I had a blast, though. Keggers and sex. It really wasn't all about the fun and the sex, though. I was seriously looking for love. I figured if I couldn't find it the right way, I'd find it the wrong way. I didn't (let that be a lesson to you young girls reading this).
Our mutual friend told me that Scuba got married and I was devastated. It turned out the girl was just using him in some horrible way. He was divorced three weeks later. After his divorce was final, he came down to visit our friends, called me and the deal was sealed during his visit. The visit was over and so were we. The long distance thing was going to be too hard, we decided.
Serious guy number 2 was also a long distance relationship. He was so incredibly bad for me, but I couldn't see it. His story will require a blog entry of it's very own... He and I discussed running off and getting married one weekend, but it didn't come to pass. At the time I would have given up everything for him, but he couldn't give up alcohol and other women for me.
While my friends were getting serious about their lives, finishing up school, getting more career minded, etc., I was still living in the moment. I was having fun, looking for love, and flunking out of school. So, I dropped out and went to work waiting tables, still having a great time.
A time came when, because of financial reasons, I moved north. It was a little closer to home. I hadn't been here a month yet and I get a call from Scuba. He comes up to see me and our whirlwind romance began. He pampered me, entertained me, made love to me, wrote me love letters, gave me gifts, etc. It all started slacking off when his work got busy back in our hometown and we didn't get to see each other as much. So, there again, our distance killed us. He would never leave there because he loved it and I could never go back because I hated it. That can sure ruin a romance.
So, he was the last guy I slept with (Oct 13, 1995) and the last man I kissed (Oct 14, 1995).
I went from sex-loving nympho to celibate old maid in the blink of an eye... It wasn't about the sex, though. After my wild times, I had my two relationships. Don't get me wrong, I loved the sex, but only because I loved the guys. I didn't want to just sleep around anymore. So, I kept waiting for Mr. RIght.
Life gets busy. We fall into a routine. I'm living in a po-dunk excuse for a mid-sized city and don't ever go out anywhere to meet people. All my friends are married or close to it and have children. Many years have passed, weight has been put on, the biological clock is ticking louder and louder and I am alone.
I miss the sex... don't doubt it... but most of all, I miss the kisses.
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