Welcome All... The Beginning

Ok... so when I was a teenager I would pour out my emotions into silly schoolgirl poems. Some I didn't think were so bad... some were pitiful. It made me feel better, though... I'm a lot older now... same basic problems with a little more desperation. I don't feel like those poems could handle all that I have to say now... So, I thought maybe a blog. Maybe someone else has these feelings?

So, I'm not going to be a whiner all the time, but the emotions that prompted this blog do require a little whining.

Some background info:
I am 37, single and childless. I have had two semi-serious relationships in my life, but they were both very short. The last one was 13 years ago.

In high school, I never really dated anyone. My junior prom date was gay and my senior prom date had graduated the previous year and just wanted an excuse to come back and hang out with his friends.

When I started junior college I got a fresh start with people who didn't really know me. Things went a little better. I lost my virginity 12 days before my 19th birthday with someone who did not stay in my life (i.e. one night stand). My second soon followed. While we didn't continue to date, we did remain very good acquaintances. That sounds so much better, right?

There was one, though... For the purpose of this blog, I'll call him Scuba (long story). He was the older hometown guy that I couldn't seal the deal with... The one that I liked most of all. We hung out. We flirted a lot. I was secretly madly in love with him. One of our mutual friends told me that he really liked me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Me, being so young and romantic thought maybe he was preparing himself for me leaving to go to the University and I loved him even more for it. I didn't want to admit that it was guy-speak for "move on".

I moved away from home to my four year college and the fun really started. I slept with more guys than I care to mention. Oh, I had a blast, though. Keggers and sex. It really wasn't all about the fun and the sex, though. I was seriously looking for love. I figured if I couldn't find it the right way, I'd find it the wrong way. I didn't (let that be a lesson to you young girls reading this).

Our mutual friend told me that Scuba got married and I was devastated. It turned out the girl was just using him in some horrible way. He was divorced three weeks later. After his divorce was final, he came down to visit our friends, called me and the deal was sealed during his visit. The visit was over and so were we. The long distance thing was going to be too hard, we decided.

Serious guy number 2 was also a long distance relationship. He was so incredibly bad for me, but I couldn't see it. His story will require a blog entry of it's very own... He and I discussed running off and getting married one weekend, but it didn't come to pass. At the time I would have given up everything for him, but he couldn't give up alcohol and other women for me.

While my friends were getting serious about their lives, finishing up school, getting more career minded, etc., I was still living in the moment. I was having fun, looking for love, and flunking out of school. So, I dropped out and went to work waiting tables, still having a great time.

A time came when, because of financial reasons, I moved north. It was a little closer to home. I hadn't been here a month yet and I get a call from Scuba. He comes up to see me and our whirlwind romance began. He pampered me, entertained me, made love to me, wrote me love letters, gave me gifts, etc. It all started slacking off when his work got busy back in our hometown and we didn't get to see each other as much. So, there again, our distance killed us. He would never leave there because he loved it and I could never go back because I hated it. That can sure ruin a romance.

So, he was the last guy I slept with (Oct 13, 1995) and the last man I kissed (Oct 14, 1995).

I went from sex-loving nympho to celibate old maid in the blink of an eye... It wasn't about the sex, though. After my wild times, I had my two relationships. Don't get me wrong, I loved the sex, but only because I loved the guys. I didn't want to just sleep around anymore. So, I kept waiting for Mr. RIght.

Life gets busy. We fall into a routine. I'm living in a po-dunk excuse for a mid-sized city and don't ever go out anywhere to meet people. All my friends are married or close to it and have children. Many years have passed, weight has been put on, the biological clock is ticking louder and louder and I am alone.

I miss the sex... don't doubt it... but most of all, I miss the kisses.